Chapter 3

Today it has been a perfect autumn day. I read Haruki Marakamis latest book where he shares about his life as a marathoner. On my way to the bus I thought fascinated that I was cold on the hands while
the rest of his body felt cold was nice even though I constantly quiverling a little bit under my cloak. When I was a little overconfident yesterday I imagined that I could fall asleep without my sleeping pills. Very stupid. 3 o'clock in the morning I staggered up and took one, took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and noted tired when my hair gets dry naturally overnight, it will be a perfect if slightly disheveled Joan Jett haircut. It reflects so much weird stuff during the night.

This night-rampaging resulted, unfortunately, that I awoke with a killer headache that I had to devote all my time to get rid of to even make me capable to pick up our daughter from school. Even in this very moment do I suffer the aftermath of it. The entire back of the head is sore, my eyes are tired and the bolts in the temples. I also struggle to let go of the bad conscience that I have from becoming angry with our daughter. We misunderstood each other with the result that I snapped away and everything went at the very wrong direction. We have solved it, but like most parents, stings like these little things for quite a while since anyone would be unfair to his children?

Yesterday was anyway a very good day - for me personally it was a victory. I have finally finished my cleaning up of the past. I have as honestly as I could have gone through my life and now have brought my lessons, released the wrongs and sorrows, happy me again for the good and just before I cleaned off the last box of mental garbage-initiated plans for the future. 2 years and 4 months I have been working on this. Just a month ago, I lay in bed and cried and was without hope that it would ever end. I was convinced that my life was so tangled that it would never be able to fix - I was a smash destroys goods which had only landfill left to look forward to. My partner held me and comforted as best he could, and sometimes actually laughed at me-we both are old enough to know that consolation really does not exist, but it works because it's the feeling that is the key: I felt that he voluntarily went collected and shared my response in the form of physical presence and to find solutions together with me. Laughed he made such When I with mournful voice proclaimed dramatically that he had to take and find himself a new woman - I was too spoiled. My respect for him, thank goodness deeper than my ego, so every time he started to laugh I reacted with a certain acidity first on my part, I'm only human - before I could see it all from his direction. He is an amazing person and an incredible man.
Anyway, when I was 40 meters from the bus stop I saw the bus coming, but when I had gone my home in good time and the buses run every fifteen minutes, I stopped in the middle of it began running step. Why rush? I knew that I would have to pay acid in the form of a most likely accelerating headache, sore neck and shoulders, and cold sweats to catch a bus I didn´t was going to ride because then I would arrive to early to school and must spent time with shouting ,wild kids meanwhile I wait for daughter. So I concentrated to take some deep breaths and mentally waved goodbye to the bus back. Now I could calmly both send an sms to tune a meeting with one of my closest and best friends and reply to a cute text message from my partner, look at a passing Rottweiler owners who halfway put his dog on the side and I can assume it gave a dose of humility before she went on, and they disappeared into the distance and then get to pick up Mr. Marakamis book. It's very entertaining and inspiring. He has a friendly way to tell his story and also that I experience it - very Japanese. I have not read any of his novels or stories yet but I'm thinking not so much about it. I will do it when the time comes.

Now I will shortly be faced with culinary magic. Boiled potatoes and brussels sprouts, and it smells terrible. Yet I know that it will when I finish the dish taste good.