I slept around the clock since last Thursday. Before then, I have not slept even four hours a night for 1 ½ month.
What triggered it?
I have been unemployed for almost 2 ½ years and
it is tough to live on one salary when the family consists of two adults, one child and a dog. It is a stress factor. We were constantly sick all last autumn, winter and spring. It is a stress factor. We live in a small appartment- one bedroom,a livingroom, toliet & kitchen- which forced us to learn to live close though it is not as big a stress factor because of how we are in our dog and human-personalities thank God. All four have a strong "pack" mentality that still is based on to be their own person. However, it is hard when friends come over to his daughter or we have visitors. We doesn´t own a couch and we'll watch a movie or TV sit in bed or thick cushion pads on the floor. I say it is a stressor at times and that we all oftas doing a Tim Gunn and Make it work!
During the spring was horrible March 11 in Japan and an incredible family and much loved person got cancer. So both the collective solidarity and the private sphere was a blow. Despite this, I struggled on and decided to spend more time on my writing, to make contacts. Making the fold are offered. And it went ahead. But this summer it became a hassle. In the month of July to be exact. The anniversary was approaching for my cousin who was murdered 4 yrs ago. A wound that sat deep in our family. I thought a lot about his sisters, especially the one of them that is born the same year as me and who I am close to. Our financial situation allowed, unfortunately, not that I could fly home and be with them and knew I had to do with the year before: go to church and light a candle. And just sit there for a moment and think about all the love he gave about himself, his beautiful children. Few of us want to think about the killer on the anniversary simply because none of us want to give the killer some time or energy.
2 days before the anniversary, I know that the guy I had my first stormy love affair between 17 and 23 years of age committed suicide. Personally, it was not a mortal blow, but I suffered with his family. He and I had met at each other when I temporarily lived in the city of my birth, three months before I moved back here. We ran into each other in the Employment Services and was accompanied to the Social Office in which I would fill my second-last report and he a maintains an ongoing one. To summarize the six years we were back and forth was the first 8 months good and then wasthe first breakup but not last one. After it was an everlasting back and forth, but he did so much lower and mean things like sleeping with my girlfriends. However, not my closest and best friends - they were rather angry at him but tried of respect and love for me to think for the thousandth time that NOW would be good. Not even when they roared away, and two of them advised against a guy I talked to at a party in one of the final period to commit to me because I would still go back to the ex took the screw. But then New Year's Day 1999 , he showed a really ugly side and I broke with him for good and forbade him to even visit my family. Now we would all be left alone!
I went home and decided that now would he out of the heart, once and for all. So I locked myself in three weeks, did not hit anything and was crying and screaming angry into my pillows meanwhile my cat-pack that lived with me at that time staired suprised. And then it was finally over.
Of course it was a liberation that has been going really from the first time we broke up and got his final three weeks. I remember when I came out of it.
What happened when I was told he was dead and that I was not prepared for was two things:
I started a settlement of my subsequent love relationships from age 18 to 33 and I felt peace. I could bury the last speck of chafing him, the one who created all the times he failed to sleep with my "friends" - as given were not friends when they had not jumped into bed with him, created by all the times he humiliated me public-all these things. I could really feel what it was dissolved. Peace.
I am very much my mother and my father's daughter, which means that I have a strong urge to not let anything negative to have power over me. So I had to shoulder the backpack with tools, strap on my sword and grab the shield before I opened the heavy door of this ugly and go myself to meet how to destroy it and a way to live with it. It took almost a month to sort out the whole thing. Meanwhile, our daughter had some problems at school, which always breaks a parent's heart when it happens and I was afraid of not being able to be there a support or able to act because of my own junk, but when it came to the crunch, I did as I always have done: I turned inward and listened to my intuition.
What triggered it?
I have been unemployed for almost 2 ½ years and
it is tough to live on one salary when the family consists of two adults, one child and a dog. It is a stress factor. We were constantly sick all last autumn, winter and spring. It is a stress factor. We live in a small appartment- one bedroom,a livingroom, toliet & kitchen- which forced us to learn to live close though it is not as big a stress factor because of how we are in our dog and human-personalities thank God. All four have a strong "pack" mentality that still is based on to be their own person. However, it is hard when friends come over to his daughter or we have visitors. We doesn´t own a couch and we'll watch a movie or TV sit in bed or thick cushion pads on the floor. I say it is a stressor at times and that we all oftas doing a Tim Gunn and Make it work!
During the spring was horrible March 11 in Japan and an incredible family and much loved person got cancer. So both the collective solidarity and the private sphere was a blow. Despite this, I struggled on and decided to spend more time on my writing, to make contacts. Making the fold are offered. And it went ahead. But this summer it became a hassle. In the month of July to be exact. The anniversary was approaching for my cousin who was murdered 4 yrs ago. A wound that sat deep in our family. I thought a lot about his sisters, especially the one of them that is born the same year as me and who I am close to. Our financial situation allowed, unfortunately, not that I could fly home and be with them and knew I had to do with the year before: go to church and light a candle. And just sit there for a moment and think about all the love he gave about himself, his beautiful children. Few of us want to think about the killer on the anniversary simply because none of us want to give the killer some time or energy.
2 days before the anniversary, I know that the guy I had my first stormy love affair between 17 and 23 years of age committed suicide. Personally, it was not a mortal blow, but I suffered with his family. He and I had met at each other when I temporarily lived in the city of my birth, three months before I moved back here. We ran into each other in the Employment Services and was accompanied to the Social Office in which I would fill my second-last report and he a maintains an ongoing one. To summarize the six years we were back and forth was the first 8 months good and then wasthe first breakup but not last one. After it was an everlasting back and forth, but he did so much lower and mean things like sleeping with my girlfriends. However, not my closest and best friends - they were rather angry at him but tried of respect and love for me to think for the thousandth time that NOW would be good. Not even when they roared away, and two of them advised against a guy I talked to at a party in one of the final period to commit to me because I would still go back to the ex took the screw. But then New Year's Day 1999 , he showed a really ugly side and I broke with him for good and forbade him to even visit my family. Now we would all be left alone!
I went home and decided that now would he out of the heart, once and for all. So I locked myself in three weeks, did not hit anything and was crying and screaming angry into my pillows meanwhile my cat-pack that lived with me at that time staired suprised. And then it was finally over.
Of course it was a liberation that has been going really from the first time we broke up and got his final three weeks. I remember when I came out of it.
What happened when I was told he was dead and that I was not prepared for was two things:
I started a settlement of my subsequent love relationships from age 18 to 33 and I felt peace. I could bury the last speck of chafing him, the one who created all the times he failed to sleep with my "friends" - as given were not friends when they had not jumped into bed with him, created by all the times he humiliated me public-all these things. I could really feel what it was dissolved. Peace.
I am very much my mother and my father's daughter, which means that I have a strong urge to not let anything negative to have power over me. So I had to shoulder the backpack with tools, strap on my sword and grab the shield before I opened the heavy door of this ugly and go myself to meet how to destroy it and a way to live with it. It took almost a month to sort out the whole thing. Meanwhile, our daughter had some problems at school, which always breaks a parent's heart when it happens and I was afraid of not being able to be there a support or able to act because of my own junk, but when it came to the crunch, I did as I always have done: I turned inward and listened to my intuition.
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